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私の肺を満たす煙は家のように感じます >>

[TW: Mental abuse, physical abuse, fire, cult behavior, and more fire]
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When did the glow of a fire become my only comfort in life?
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It all began with Nishijima Rukia, the sole daughter of two fastidious politicians from Tokyo, Japan. With the public eye bearing down on the infamous family, perfection was shoveled down her throat since the moment she could speak. There was no room for error: one hair out of place meant no dinner, a low score on an exam resulted in isolation, any sign of undesirable traits were squashed before she could step foot outside. Unfortunately, this pressure was only doubled when her younger brother was pushed into the world- the little prince that they always wanted. He surely lived up to his expectations, gradually shoving his elder sister out of the picture. It was somewhat of a blessing in disguise and a double-edged sword. On one hand, the little bastard soaked up each and every last bit of her parents affection, but on the other hand this gave her a moment of fresh air. A brief second for her to breathe and rest her weary limbs.
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But the relief was only temporary at best. Rukia was naive to believe that she had a chance at a carefree life, that her parents would loosen their iron grip on her picture perfect image. Envy clutched at her soul, slowly budding into the sweet beginnings of rebellion. Throughout her teenage years, she attempted to befriend the delinquents of her school in a pitiful attempt to prove that she wasn’t as straight-laced as the media claimed. Slowly but surely the young girl wiggled her way into the group, even managing to snag the attention of one of the infamous bad boys. Since it was her first romantic relationship, she was easily tricked into believing that he actually loved her, no matter how obvious it was that she was only around for temporary relief. The beginning of her misconstrued idea of love, she relied on the attention and the validation from the second toxic man in her life right after her distant father.
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But everything must come to an end, and when her parents caught wind of this heinous relationship, they attempted to put a stop to it. Their seventeen year old, who had been an obedient pawn for a majority of her life, was not willing to bend to their regulations anymore and was insistent that her and her boyfriend would start a new life together. In the midst of this tension, onslaughts of morning sickness and fatigue began to bear down on her shoulders. One purchase from the corner store later would reveal the growing clump of cells in her womb. Despite the obvious misfortune of her situation, the disillusioned girl clung to the tiniest bit of hope that the universe would be on her side. As always, it was not in her favor. The revelation of her pregnancy sent her boyfriend packing and her parents into a catatonic state.
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In this frenzy of emotions, their daughters refusal to terminate the pregnancy left them with the grave choice to tarnish their reputation or disown the reckless girl. Naturally, their cowardice led them to choose the latter, throwing their freshly turned eighteen year old out onto the streets in the middle of the night. Their last merciful act was to send her off with an envelope of cash that would allow her to afford a train ticket and a year worth of rent until she could find get back onto her bearings. Rukia understood that staying in Tokyo wasn’t an option anymore; therefore, she made the decision use some of the lended money to take her to a smaller town known as Yokohama. Hoping for a fresh start, she found a dingy apartment that she could barely afford in a crowded neighborhood where she would eventually give birth to a healthy baby girl. Adapting would be difficult, but surely she could handle it, right?
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Wrong. Job hunting without a high school degree and a newborn that couldn’t be left without its mother for too long was rough. Fortunately, the close-knit community of Yokohama began to warm up to the newest addition, offering their assistance and advice. That was when she met him. Sugawara Kenta, the dashing salesman that lived two streets down with a friendly smile and a handsome face. Naturally, the pair grew close as he showered the lonely woman with saccharine words and pretty little lies to lower her defense. Much like a tiger stalking injured prey in the bushes, it didn’t take long for him to subdue her. In her jaded mind, the fantasy of having a loving and happy family filled each and every crevice. And once he noticed this, he took complete advantage of it. Slowly but surely, he began to mold her ideals and viewpoints to match his- such as wanting to participate in polygamous marriages and the intense desire to burn down their corrupt society amongst many.
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Naoko was only five years old when she was introduced to the mans two other wives and his ten children. Her mother was pulled deeper into Kenta’s screwed ideology after she agreed to become his third wife, soon coming to realize that the entire neighborhood was underneath this same hysteric spell. “Live by the fire, die by the fire” was their motto. During daytime, the neighborhood was mundanely average with friendly tenants and the abundance of children running around the streets. Adults hobbled back and forth from their day job while children were either babysat or sent off to public school. But at night the grown men and women would rally together in search of buildings to burn down in order to send a message to their government. Kids were often dragged along, gradually becoming desensitized to the destruction and mindless violence- all, except for the black sheep Naoko.
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Being biologically unrelated to her siblings and naturally skittish caused them to isolate and ignore her presence, dubbing her an outsider from the beginning. The young girls only true connection was with her mother, the woman that was losing herself in the midst of all the fiery chaos and her husbands turbulent moods. Naoko was always weary of the aforementioned man, especially after witnessing each and every one of his violent fits and his jarring emotional manipulation, and stayed glued to her mother’s hip. But the woman was slowly fading, each year was one year closer to her imminent death. No matter how much she begged her dear mother, nothing could convince her to leave his suffocating grasp. She left one cage and flew right into another. This would lead to her demise years later shortly after her daughter reached her 17th birthday.
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A recently abandoned hospital was their target one night, one that was forced to shut down after government funds were cut down. Her mother’s overall health was hanging on by a thread, often experiencing violent coughs and difficulty breathing that shook her awake at night. Despite this, she still trudged along like an ignorant marionette, with Kenta pulling each and every string. That night the group didn’t account for the danger of igniting a building of such grand size, too fueled by the disillusionment that was spoon fed to them for years. Gallons of gasoline later and the hospital was burning down to the ground, but one reckless movement would cause the fire to spread. Anyone with sense would’ve ran, and while the children did, the adults were urged not to run away from the very thing that they worshipped. Amongst these ignorant followers that chose to stay was her mother, who was not subject to being burnt but was taken from the earth after her lungs inhaled more smoke than she could manage.
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Truly alone in this world, Naoko gathered her last bit of courage to hop onto the next train that following morning, which led her right back to her mother’s past life in Tokyo. A minor roaming the streets was going to be questioned by the police, and once she revealed her name and some important phone calls were made, two older individuals arrived to identify the young girl. There was no denying it, once her grandparents laid eyes on the teen they couldn’t shake the haunting resemblance she held towards their estranged daughter. They were already retired and struck with guilt over how they treated their children, thus causing them to take in the last remaining evidence of their daughters existence. With nowhere else to turn, Naoko attempted to welcome this new beginning with as much graciousness as possible.
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But adjusting was never her strong suit. Without her mother’s comforting presence, each night was filled with night terrors that left her gasping for air and her fingers itching to wreak havoc. No matter how many methods she tried, nothing could soothe her wild nerves better than watching something crumple and shrivel beneath a fire. It started out small, with a lighter and some random book she nabbed from her grandmothers room, but soon she found herself sneaking out at night with a can of gasoline and a box of matches. Her grandparents remain ignorant to her criminal deeds, unaware of the horrors that haunt their granddaughter’s mind.
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Now twenty one, Nishijima Naoko hopes to overcome her nasty habits...before her petty crimes escalate into something she can’t handle. Will she ever overcome her trauma? Or will she continue to hide behind others and rely on the those ruinous nightly escapades?